Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Sora and his friends are kidnapped! But we can still depend on the angriest, foul mouthed video gamer in the world to rescue them! Can he stop Kefka's evil schemes, or will everyone be eternally condemned by his verbal abuse?
1. Chapter 1

****

Author's Note: I would like to give a very special thank you note to James Rolfe, who has especially given me his kind permission to feature the AVGN character in this story. The AVGN has attracted thousands of Internet viewers from around the world and has continued to prove influential to countless fans even to this day. May I strongly advise readers to at least view one of his works, which have often left me in a painful fit of laughs and giggles. Mr. Rolfe, thank you very much, and I sincerely hope you enjoy this story dedicated to your very angry creation.

Please bear in mind that all opinions and views expressed in this story do not reflect those of Disney, Square Enix, ScrewAttack, James Rolfe or myself, and are strictly used for entertainment purposes. So please don't take anything too seriously! It's just humor!

Disclaimer: 'Kingdom Hearts' is property of Disney and Square-Enix respectfully. 'The Angry Video Game Nerd' is property of ScrewAttack respectfully. Nothing belongs to me, so please don't sue.

xxx

**__**

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

**__**

By Charles Xavier

xxx

****

Chapter One

xxx

"'Kingdom Hearts'…who would have guessed that Disney and Squaresoft, or Square Enix as it's now called, would form this unusual collaboration to produce a game that would soon magnetize millions of fans?

For once, I have to admit that this game kicked ass. The intro movie was awesome and really sucked you into the story. You get to meet all of your favorite characters stretching from Final Fantasy games to Disney cartoons. The original characters were sweet and the voice acting was fabulous. I especially loved Haley Joel Osment as Sora, the main hero, and it was great to hear Mandy Moore lending her voice to Aerith Gainsborough. Many of the original voice cast from the old Disney movies came back to reprise their respective roles, which pleased many of their fans and made the game feel nostalgic and fresh at the same time.

Within a few months, 'Kingdom Hearts' had sold over four million copies worldwide, and had become listed as one of the best selling PS2 titles of all time. Disney and Square obviously knew this game was going to be a big hit, so already they were digging their shovels in for a sequel by the time they released the first game. After four patient years, we were finally given 'Kingdom Hearts II', which undoubtedly blew away every kid's mind with its more complex plot, new characters and plenty of new gameplay features. It was also the first time we saw Mickey Mouse in hard core action, kind of like Yoda in the Star Wars prequel trilogy.

'Kingdom Hearts' had rapidly risen to so much fame that it spawned a manga series, a bunch of novels and I've even heard rumors that a CG movie may be in the works…although I'm not too sure. It sort of makes me think back to 'Final Fantasy: Advent Children', which although had great visual effects and over-the-top action scenes, seemed to lack quite severely on plot and character development.

Recently though, Disney and Square had decided once again to pave way for another basket of sequels: 'Kingdom Hearts: coded', 'Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep' and 'Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days'. Now, not that I have anything against these sequels, but why all the fancy names? Sure, it may not be as bad as say 'Kingdom Hearts: Reloaded', 'Kingdom Hearts: Resurrection' or 'Kingdom Hearts: The Search For More Money'. But couldn't they have just numbered all these games? 'Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep' is meant to be a prequel, so would it hurt so much to call it simply 'Kingdom Hearts 0'? And why not call 'Kingdom Hearts: coded' as 'Kingdom Hearts III', since it takes place after 'Kingdom Hearts II'? As a matter of fact, shouldn't 'Kingdom Hearts II' be 'Kingdom Hearts III'? 'Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days' takes place before that game, so theoretically it's 'Kingdom Hearts II'.

This is getting WAY too confusing. I actually felt the whole series could have ended by now. I mean, Sora found his way back home, didn't he? He was reunited with Riku and Kairi, and the ending in 'Kingdom Hearts II' pretty much tied up all the loose ends. So why push the story any further? And I don't think it's very necessary adding prequels, midquels, interquels…or whatever happened in between events. They just cram up the series with unwanted load.

So, after all this time I've talked about 'Kingdom Hearts' and my personal views about it, you're probably asking the question: 'Hey, wasn't there another game of this on the Game Boy Advance'? Well sure, except that I left it out. And you want to know why?"

The Nerd glared bitterly at the cartridge labeled 'Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories' in his hands. "BECAUSE IT'S A STEAMING PILE OF GOAT SHIT!" he spat on the game repulsively and pounded it with his fist. "'Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories' is a horrible fucking waste! Bible games look more like Final Fucking Fantasy classics compared to this unforgivable sack of monkey piss! This is the reason why this game never became 'Kingdom Hearts II', and instead was cashed in as a sorry excuse to keep the fans attached to the fucking franchise!

Now, I am aware that it does bridge well a lot of the events leading up to the official sequel. And to tell you the truth, the story is pretty impressive. We get to see Naminé for the first time, who holds a very prominent role in the series. We also meet a handful of members from Organization XIII, who are trying to stop Sora from continuing his journey. The graphic designs and full motion videos are incredible, considering that they're from the Game Boy Advance. The music score is captivating, although repetitive at times.

So, adding up all those good points together, just what in God's name makes this game so undeniably unplayable? Simple…it's the fucking abysmal gameplay! The most important aspect of any game is to fucking enjoy it while fucking playing it! Every rabid gamer should know that in an RPG, you attack enemies with punches, kicks, or whatever weapon you have in stock. Often there'd also be all sorts of magic spells to cast and various items to pick up and use whenever you get stuck in a jam. But in 'Chain of Memories', all that you're given are these shitty cards! Yes, I'm serious…DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS! Your only way of survival through each level is dealing with cards! Why in the hell does each retarded boss need to whip out a bunch of cards to make their moves, when they could easily use their common sense in their brains to attack? Sometimes my cards are completely useless against theirs! I'm washed up as brown bread! The Organization doesn't fuck around with anybody!

Might this suggest that that every villain in the world knows how to play stupid cards? So think for example if like, Batman was about to pound the Joker to a pulp, he'd squat down on his lazy ass and play Snap with him…and maybe take a shit to pass the time? Or say if Mario was having a climactic showdown with Bowser in his castle, Bowser would say: 'Aw, fuck this gameplay. I always fall into the lava pit every time you beat me! Why don't we just play with some Yu-Gi-Oh cards?'.

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? You don't like, go into a fucking battle and play Poker against your enemies! You ever think the Autobots foil the Decepticons' plans each time by playing a dumb ass Bridge game with them?

Anyway, moving on, the card factor isn't the only thing that makes this game suck donkey dick. There's a lot of slow ass dialogue between levels that simply doesn't know when to stop. Why can't these characters just shut the fuck up and let me play? And speaking of each level…where the hell am I supposed to go? I get so easily lost in these godforsaken mazes! I have to open random doors with my fucking cards and each room leads me into some unpredictable scenario! I could be indulging myself with useless garbage inside a dozen treasure chests, or I could be gang-raped by a horde of Heartless ready to make my worst nightmare a fucking reality!

You might be surprised to notice how scenically similar many of the levels are compared to the first 'Kingdom Hearts' game. In fact, they ARE the same! Why do I need to waste my fucking time revisiting all these Disney worlds, meeting up with the same boring characters and facing the same goddamn bosses all over again? How much cheaper could they have made this pointless game? No wonder it was never made into the official sequel!

Well, there you go. That's 'Chain of Memories' for you. Although in my opinion, they should have named it: 'Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Horrible Retarded Godawful Fart-Spewing Cat-Vomiting Shit-Munching Memories That Remind You How Much Life Sucks'! I'd rather suck diarrhea out of a gorilla's hairy anus and eat camel shit balls on a pool table! I'd rather stick my fingers up a warthog's nostril and yank all the hair out of my eyebrows! I'd love to hog down rat guts and have blood spraying out of my ass than play this unspeakable fecal matter!"

The Nerd needed to calm down. He gulped down his bottle of Rolling Rock empty to sooth his pain, after letting out all his frustration on the despicable game.

"Truthfully though, I wouldn't mind playing this revised version I got on eBay. Not many people are aware, but did you know Square later remade 'Chain of Memories' for the PS2 with vastly enhanced features? Since it was only released in Japan, hardly any of us in America got to see the actual game. Now, since my PS2 hasn't been chipped to actually play imports, I'll have to use the good old Action Replay to fix those problems! Rumor has it that there's a trick to playing imports with a few little tweaks on this baby.

So let's pump up the console and shove this bastard in!"

****

XXX

Having plugged in his beloved Playstation 2, the Nerd inserted the Action Replay and prayed to God to find at least a fraction of an improvement with 'Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories' (no comment about the altered title). "I've never tried this with the Action Replay before. So let's hope nothing fucked up happens." he inserted the unscratched disc of the game, and by a sheer stroke of luck, it began to load. "All right! We're in business! "

However, the title screen did not display. Had the game suddenly crashed? Not likely…because the Nerd heard a very distinct sound of somebody laughing maniacally at him.

"VWEE! HEE! HEE!" the unwelcoming image of Kefka Palazzo appeared on the TV screen, greeting the Nerd with his sadistic grin. "I have you now, Nerd! Soon you will join Sora and his pathetic group of maggots in their rotting cells!"

The Nerd dropped speechless by his unnerving presence. "Kefka? Wow…I've had Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Spider-Man and Bugs Bunny breaking into my house. But what the shit load of fuck are you doing inside of my TV? I would have expected Bozo, Pennywise or even Yucko more than you crazy ass son of a corny clown."

"Enough talk!" Kefka hissed menacingly. "Seize him at once!"

A strange aura filled the room and this made the Nerd discomforted. Right from under his feet, the head of a Heartless emerged, scaring the bejesus out of him and making him fall over. More Heartless came crawling out from the floor, the windows, the walls, the ceiling…and even one out of his ass?

"Aw, shit!" the Nerd shoved the mindless creatures out of his way and ran for his refrigerator, containing nothing but more Rolling Rock. "Stay the fuck away, you shit eating bastards!" he hurled the bottles at the Heartless to keep them away. Glass shattered and beer spilled everywhere, its smell somewhat attracting the Heartless for a curious taste. They crouched down and started vacuuming up the beer, which made Kefka scowl at the stupidity of his minions.

"Infidels! Get up on your feet before he escapes!"

The Nerd's projector suddenly flickered on, and on the wall appeared the face of King Mickey Mouse. By now, the Nerd was close to shitting his pants. Just when his day had turned from bad to worse, Disney's most famous icon was speaking to him out from his projector. How much more random could tonight get? He began to wonder what was next: Sonic the Hedgehog singing in his shower, or Lemmings climbing out from his toilet?

"Hurry!" Mickey shouted, stretching his arm out from the screen. "There's no time to explain! Take my hand and I'll get you out of here!"

The drunken Heartless made no effort to stop the Nerd as he firmly grabbed Mickey. And before he knew it, he was pulled out of his home, and out of his world.

****

XXX

"Ouch! Jesus!"

The Nerd had hit his head pretty hard from the unsafe fall. Donald Duck and Goofy were beyond shocked to see who had landed in their courtyard with their Majesty. He certainly didn't look like the type of hero Mickey had mentioned before. Yet there he was, sitting on the grass with his white button shirt, glasses and pens in his pocket.

"Who the…?" the Nerd couldn't believe at all at what he was seeing. "Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck?" he rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. "This is retarded! Just what in cock-a-doodle bull fuck have I been eating?"

"Oh, my!" said an astounded Queen Minnie. "What an excessive tongue he has."

"You got that right!" the Nerd replied. "They don't call me 'Angry' for jack shit! Could someone here please tell me what in Christ Almighty is going on? I can drink piss out of a giant elephant's dick for one day, but this is plain ridiculous!"

"Angry Video Game Nerd," said Mickey, "this may come as a surprise to you, but our worlds are in incredibly grave danger. We are in desperate need our your help, because you're the only one who can save us all in this darkest hour!"

The Disney Castle trembled in the wake of an erupting voice: crying out with all hatred:

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK!"


	2. Chapter 2

**__**

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

**__**

By Charles Xavier

xxx

****

Chapter Two

xxx

"How did this happen?" cried the Nerd, astonished by his altered appearance in the mirror. "Why the hell have I gone all CG? Do I really look that horrible? Who would do this to such an expensive game? And why the fuck is my mouth moving like some cheesy Pixar character?"

Everyone thought King Mickey had made a big mistake to recruit the Nerd. Would he really give a damn to rescue Sora? No one imagined that he would even care to listen to why he was brought here in the first place. His rants and curses were so unbearable to hear that Minnie and Daisy were forced to wear ear plugs during this small assembly.

"Gawrsh. He sure don't look like the kind of hero I pictured." Goofy commented. "This mission won't be easy if he continues to spread those bad words."

"Aw, phooey!" said Donald Duck. "I think King Mickey must have picked up the wrong guy!"

"Look, I know this is hard to say, and I understand that you guys are under a lot of pressure with Kefka and his bastard Heartless. But seriously, you've got this all wrong!" the Nerd insisted for the fourth time, yet Mickey was still more than positive that there was no error made in his judgment. "I just tear apart shitty games! I'm no savior! Why the fuck did you have to drag me to Disney Castle and pray on your stinky hairy balls, expecting me to save your worlds from some bad ass painted child raping lunatic?"

"Because deep down inside, Nerd, I'm a hundred and ten percent sure that you possess that unique knowledge of video games, good or bad, to defeat the evil Kefka and stop him reaching anywhere near Kingdom Hearts." Mickey replied. He wasn't kidding at all, and the Nerd wasn't stupid enough to realize it. "I've told you long enough about how much trouble he's caused already…and Sora and Riku weren't able to stop him. So please…help us."

The Nerd rubbed his chin in consideration, thinking carefully of his next words. "Well, since you did say 'please'…but there's one catch…what's in it for me?"

A clueless Mickey scratched his brain. "Um…you can have one of my Keyblades. Very rare and only one of its kind!"

The Nerd crossed his arms and shook his head in refusal.

"All right…how about a well-deserved reward of say, five million munny?"

The Nerd shook his head again, nowhere near interested.

"My Atari 5200 with compatible controls?"

No! The Nerd was growing furious as he bit his lip. He wouldn't believe for a nickel that those controls were workable after his unfortunate experience with the failed console.

"Well, all I have left to offer is this unopened bottle of Rolling Rock." Mickey slipped out the cold beer from his pocket. "But I never-"

"Done!" the Nerd snatched the drink off Mickey's hand and gulped it halfway down. "Time to find Sora, shove that clowny bastard up a horse's ass, and save those Bitches of Heart!"

"Princesses of Heart." Mickey corrected. "Goofy and Donald here will take you to the Gummi Ship. I sure hope you know how to operate a spacecraft."

The Nerd was an experienced 'Space Invaders' gamer, so he felt no reason why not. Loading his Super Scope and pocketing his NES Zapper, the Nerd was ready for action. Nobody was going to fuck around with the wizard game genius.

"Oh, I forgot to mention." said Mickey, snapping his fingers. "My old pal Leon was happy to offer some assistance, and he sent somebody to help you."

"Fuck, no!" rejected the Nerd. "I don't need help from some gay Leonardo Dicaprio-Tom Cruise wannabe! I can take care of Kefka with Goofy and Donald!"

A bar of soap was flicked into his mouth, as Yuffie Kisaragi stepped out from the shadows. "You keep that up, and the great ninja Yuffie will have to wash that potty mouth of yours! We're in this together, and don't you forget it!"

"Fuckkk…" the Nerd gurgled out.


	3. Chapter 3

**__**

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

**__**

By Charles Xavier

xxx

****

Chapter Three

xxxx

Having departed from the Disney Castle, Donald, Goofy and the Nerd were on their way to rescue Sora and the princesses. With Yuffie aiding them, surely this mission wouldn't prove too difficult. However, the Nerd was exploding with rants about the Gummi Ship's flaws…

"Why can't we move any faster than this?" he exclaimed, bashing random buttons in all directions. "Goddamn! Is space really this boring…just an empty endless void? It's like taking a tour into my own ass! I've had better fun playing a one-screened Atari game than sitting through this shit!" Firing his cannons at tiny asteroids was the only enjoyment he could get out of this boring ride. The journey to Kefka's Tower was a long way ahead and Lord knows what else could be worse. "Is there any possible way we could make things more exciting here?"

Donald and Goofy shrugged clueless.

"That's where munny comes in." said Yuffie with a cheeky grin. "You have any munny…or better yet, Materia…maybe I'll be kind enough to ask Chip and Dale to speed this trip up a little."

"Fuck that." the Nerd shook his head, switching the Gummi Ship to autopilot, a feature he didn't notice until now. "I've got a better idea to pass the time: playing shitty fucking games!" he opened a drawer stashed full of awful games, stretching from the ancient NES to the fairly old Playstation 2. He took his time to pick his first victim. Yuffie couldn't quite figure out why the Gummi Ship would store such useless junk, but it was satisfactory enough for the Nerd as he scowled loathsomely at all the abominable creations. "Okay, here's one for the Super NES: 'Final Fantasy Mystic Quest'. More like 'Mystic Shit out of a Porcupine's Asshole'! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! It's like waiting for a bison to take a morning piss on your face!"

"Oh, c'mon! Stop being so grouchy! It's not that bad of a game!" Yuffie had to object to his negative comments. "It may not be as entertaining as the other 'Final Fantasy' titles, but it's still pretty decent once you get used to the gameplay." she patted him on the shoulder to ease up the tension. Donald and Goofy didn't wish to see the Nerd lose his temper on this obscure RPG. Perhaps it was best if he played something a bit more simplistic. "Here, why don't you try playing this one instead?" Yuffie handed him a game that brought an initial frown upon the Nerd's face. He certainly couldn't recall seeing this game on any shelf:

"'Yuffie's Materia Adventure', for the Game Boy Advance." the Nerd raised his brows and tilted his head sideways. He'd never played this side-scroller game before, so all he could do was keep an open mind. The again, he was bound to find SOMETHING bullshit. "All right! Let's play this son of a bitch."

****

Ten minutes later…

"What a shitload of fucking bullshit!" the Nerd yelled, crossed as ever. "This game is fucking horrible! I've had more fun playing with hamster turds!"

"Don't be a hater!" said Yuffie. "It's just a game! And besides, how could a spin-off game focusing on me be so bad, especially when it's about my biggest adventure gathering all the Materia in the world?"

"Materia my hairy balls! First off, these controls are atrocious! Instead of normally having the A button to jump, it's the B button! And when I press A, all you do is toss worthless ninja stars that simply fly OVER your enemies, and not straight! Now what the fuck is that shit? It doesn't make any logical sense, and the L and R buttons don't do dog shit either! What a joke!

The enemies in the game are just beyond any description whatsoever. Flying kimonos, dancing chopsticks, moon walking sandals, blood thirsty sneakers, giant bouncing bananas, and ill-tempered man-eating Moogles? Do you remember any of these characters from 'Final Fantasy VII'? I sure don't! They take about a dozen hits to go down, so you have to be a hundred percent accurate with your aiming. What's worse, there's no health bar, and if you get hit once, you die and have to start all over from the beginning of the stage. And it's not just the enemies you have to look out for. There's falling rocks, spiked traps and Chocobos…yes, even the cute dumb ass Chocobos are out to peck you to death! But the thing that really grinds the shit up my throat is that you instantly drown if you fall into water. Come on! Aren't ninjas trained to fucking swim? Either that or Yuffie's just a stubborn Materia-masturbating Shinobi bitch!"

"HEY! I HEARD THAT!" Yuffie slapped him on the head for his uncalled remark.

"I can't even get past the first level. So the only way to progress any further is to use passwords, but look at this, typing each password is like writing a fucking Tolkien novel! Why do they have to be so long with capital and lower case letters, numbers, question marks, exclamation marks, full stops, commas and what other fuckernauts? The password system should be short, simple and straight forward to use!

Cock sucking assholes! I'm not at all surprised that Square Enix never decided to release this game. In fact, it's a blessing to me! Final Fantasy fans would be offended, Yuffie fans would be offended, the President of Square Enix would be offended by this whole project, and I'm offended, because 'Yuffie's Materia Adventure' is a fucking piece of dried up hog shit!"

"Gimme that!" Yuffie suddenly snatched the game from his hands. "That's enough out of you! Your taste in video games is just out of the question! I'll show you how a real game expert plays! Why, I could finish this game like baking a cake in the oven!"

****

One hour later…

"FUCK THIS HORRIBLE GAME!" Yuffie cried, punching the Game Boy Advance with all bitter hatred. "DAMN IT TO HELL! I'm so pissed I haven't been so pissed in my whole life! I'd rather shove all the Materia I have up my ass! I'd rather bite a Moogle's head off and suck its blood dry! This game is a freak in all of nature, so I'm gonna have to destroy it!" she tossed it into the air, whipping out a shuriken. It was a clean hit and the cartridge was sliced into two. That wasn't the end, though. "It's hammer time!" Yuffie picked up a giant mallet and laughed in ecstasy as she smashed the remains, down to the tiniest fragments.

"It's all right, Yuffie. I know how you feel." said the Nerd, passing a refrigerated bottle of Rolling Rock to the exhausted ninja. "Here, drink this. It'll cool you down."

Just when Yuffie could take her first sip of frosty beer, Donald and Goofy were forced to shout as they pointed their fingers ahead: "LOOK OUT!"

An unexpected collision rocked the Gummi Ship and threw everyone off their seats. Yuffie and the Nerd didn't know what hit them when they crashed directly into Kefka's haunting tower. Perhaps the autopilot strategy wasn't such a good idea after all. Within moments, the Heartless swarmed the wreckage and by the time the heroes emerged, they were clearly outnumbered.

"We can't possibly fight these many Heartless!" Goofy bit his fingers, his shield trembling with impending fear.

"Any tips you can give us, Nerd?" Yuffie asked, armed with her Conformer and hugging against his back. "We could sure use some of your video gaming knowledge right about now."

The Nerd scratched his brain. "Erm…not really. Either we run away and jump down falling to a horrible untimely death, or we fight to get our asses handed to us!"

"I'm willing to take that bet!" Yuffie charged straight at the Heartless, eliminating a few, until she felt her body paralyzed by an unseen spell caster. "I…can't move!"

Goofy and Donald were unable to help, as they soon felt themselves in the same state. They could hardly drop their jaws when Kefka revealed himself amongst the crowd of Heartless stepping aside for him.

"Well, well! It appears that we have some uninvited guests tonight!" he smiled fiendishly, rolling his malevolent eyes at the powerless ninja girl. "Who's this we have here? If it isn't that illegitimate thieving child from Wutai…you love mischief, don't you?"

"Step away from Yuffie and let my pals go," the Nerd pointed his NES Zapper at Kefka's crotch. "or I'm gonna blow your goddamn dick off before you can shout 'what a shitload of fuck'! I don't give a monkey's ass about your evil plot, but if I wanna head back home in one piece, I'll have to-"

A Heartless leapt at the Nerd, yoinking away his gun before he was tackled to the ground. The Nerd struggled helplessly, and Kefka let out his signature laugh.

"VWEE! HEE! HEE! Take them all to the dungeons!"

"Fuck!" the Nerd grumbled.


	4. Chapter 4

**__**

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

**__**

By Charles Xavier

xxx

****

Chapter Four

xxx

"So, what are you guys in for?"

The Nerd asked the boys. Yuffie was startled to find Sora and Riku in their cell. Looked like they were all cell mates.

"Yuffie?" said Sora under his breath. "Yuffie, it's you! What happened?"

"Well, believe it or not, we came all this way to save your heinies. Seems like we've ended up stuck here in the same swamp as you."

"Who's your new friend?" Riku nudged his head at the Nerd. "Never seen him before."

"That's because I don't belong in this fucking game!" the Nerd snorted, rolling his eyes away. "What a goddamn bowl of buffalo bullshit! It's because of your hairy asses that I had to become part of this god awful vomit regurgitating hell hole!"

"Yikes." said Sora. "What's his problem?"

"Don't ask." replied Yuffie, unwilling to explain.

Things weren't looking bright. The Nerd couldn't even reach his finger for a bottle of beer since he was shackled to the wall. With Kefka's plans flowing underway, hope to save Kairi and the princesses was quickly fading. Perhaps the Nerd's gaming knowledge wasn't enough to stop a mad, power hungry clown.

"Shit Pickle!"

The Nerd heard a distinct voice from outside the barred window. "Look!" he shouted in joy at the presence of his vegetarian pal. "It's Shit Pickle!"

"Who Pickle?" frowned everyone.

"Shit Pickle! Shit Pickle! Shit Pickle!" the bouncing pickle hopped down and greeted everyone with its head dripping with wet cow dung. "Shit…Pickle!"

"Nerd…" Yuffie had to ask. "…what kind of friends do you make?"

But the Nerd hadn't time to answer questions and was already giving orders to Shit Pickle. "Listen up! You gotta get us out of here before Kefka gets all badass and starts ruling this bitch! Hurry!"

Shit Pickle made haste, jamming into the locks and using himself as a key. Without any time wasted, everyone was released from their chains. Quickly, they started gathering their equipment to prepare for the battle that awaited beyond the prison door.

"Thanks, Shit Pickle. We owe you one." the Nerd cracked his knuckles and lifted his Super Scope onto his shoulder. "But now, it's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum!"

"Um, but we don't have any gum." interrupted Goofy.

"Aw, fuck it! Let's just get this over with!" the Nerd aimed his scope at the locked door and a clean hit blasted it wide open. Immediately a swarm of Heartless flooded in, blocking the exit. "Say hello to my little friend!"

The Nerd fired another shot, wiping out a small handful. The others charged with their weapons and took out the surviving members, who were unprepared for such a brutal attack. Donald cast several lightning spells which eliminated a majority, and there remained one Heartless left, uncertain if it could escape the pounding it was going to get. The Nerd stepped forward and delivered a series of merciless punches, knocking it senseless until it collapsed before his feet. But he didn't finish there. The Nerd unzipped his trousers and bent right over the poor creature's face.

"Bombs away!" without shame, the Nerd expelled his wastes onto the Heartless, leaving him half buried in a sickening stench that no one could inhale.

"EWWW! Grossness!" Yuffie pinched her nose and looked away.

"I didn't expect that to happen." said a shocked Riku.

"Pee-you! What did you eat?" Sora pulled his shirt over his nose. "Do you do this all the time?"

"It's a dirty job." said the Nerd. "But somebody's gotta do it!"

****

XXX

Reaching the top of Kefka's Tower took longer than the Nerd hoped. The number of Heartless they had to barge through each floor was so maddening that it made him unleash his endless series of verbal attacks.

"Shit! Fuck! Ass! Mother fucker! What the fuck? Shit load of fuck! Asshole! Son of a cock! Fuck load of shit! Holy shit! Fucknutt! Shitballs! Son of a bitch! Fuck face! Monkey fuck!"

…and so on and so on. Sora and Riku were thankful that he didn't live with them on Destiny Islands. They would have let the Heartless consume them first than let that be.

With Yuffie, Donald and Goofy holding off the last batch of enemies, the boys raced to the top, kicking the doors open to face their fiendish adversary…

"Sora…Riku!" cried Kairi, chained to the wall.

The princesses gasped in amazement when they set eyes upon the dorkiest and nerdiest hero stepping in with his shirt shredded and glasses shattered. He sure had been through one heck of a war zone…almost like John Rambo. He raised his Super Scope, striding monstrously at Kefka.

"Well done." Kefka politely applauded. "I didn't expect you'd make it this far in such good time. Have you come to watch the show unfurl?"

"Enough with your jokes, Kefka!" Sora leapt with his Keyblade. "This ends now!"

"Ah…but the show has just begun, boy."

Sora and Riku had a sinking feeling, and were suddenly forced down on their knees, dropping their weapons. Kefka's paralysis spell was a cunning trick under his sleeve, and it never failed to leave its victims vulnerable like a sitting duck. The Nerd, however, was not affected, and took his attempt to zap Kefka before he knew what hit him.

"See you later, fucking alligator!" the Nerd yelled, fixing his target at the grinning clown. But much to his misfortune, the Scope was drained of energy, and out of ammunition. "FUCK!" he yanked out his NES Zapper, and burst open with fire. Kefka casually avoided the shots, appearing and disappearing as he willed. He cast a Fire 3 spell on the Nerd, leaving his Zapper toasted to a crisp…not to mention most of his clothes. Stubborn to give up, the Nerd unsheathed his polished katana, pointing it fiercely at Kefka, who simply cast another spell to turn the blade into harmless rubber. "Shit the fuck! What the hell are you?" exclaimed the Nerd. "You're impossible to beat! A Game Genie wouldn't help monkey balls either!"

"As you can see, Nerd, this battle's victory clearly belongs to me. Give up while you still can, before I obliterate you into pieces!" Kefka was summoning one of his most powerful spells: Ultima. The tower shook as much as it started to collapse. Without any more strategies left, the Nerd was about to face defeat…

…that was until an idea struck him.

"It's not over yet until I say it's over, dick head!" the Nerd shouted, raising up his new summoned weapon. "Because I've got the Power Glove!"

"NO!" Kefka feared, taking a step back. "Not the Power Glove!"

"You bet your clowny ass it is, mother fucker!" the Nerd grinned. "If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!"

"I won't allow it! Never!"

Ultima was complete and Kefka executed the devastating spell, while at the same time, the Nerd made a courageous leap, clenching his fist and gathering all his strength into one single blow. And then…

KABOOM!!


	5. Chapter 5

**__**

Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

**__**

By Charles Xavier

xxx

****

Chapter Five

xxx

"Well, your gaming skills may not have helped, but thanks to your Power Glove, we can all celebrate in peace once more!" King Mickey firmly shook hands with the Nerd, who still had his Power Glove on. A grand applause echoed through the Disney Castle, and the Nerd felt overwhelmed. He never expected to meet such praise. "Thank you, Angry Video Game Nerd, for saving us!"

"Gee," the Nerd scratched his brain nervously. "I haven't prepared any speech or anything…but all I have to say to you, Mickey, is: stay away from shitty games!"

"Is there any game you actually like?" Yuffie asked curiously.

"No. What kind of stupid ass question is that?"

Sora and his friends chuckled. The Nerd may have had a sour attitude towards video games, but he was one hell of a hero to beat Kefka all by himself. With the worlds safe and sound and Kingdom Hearts out of greedy hands, it seemed like his work here was done.

"Nerd?" Kairi approached him. "I want to thank you again for what you've done. I was wondering…would you care to hang out with us in Destiny Islands? You're welcome to stay if you wish."

"No, thanks." the Nerd kindly rejected her invite. "I have a job to do. And that's to return home to start reviewing some more ball sucking games! So, Mickey, how do I get back?"

Uh-oh. It appeared Mickey hadn't an answer for that. "Gosh, I didn't think about that before I brought you here…I'm not sure."

"WHAT?" the Nerd yelled from the top of his lungs. "Don't tell me I have to live the rest of fucking life stuck inside this piss smelling, diarrhea vomiting ass farm! I'd rather puke on woolly wet mammoth shit! I'd rather eat all the hair out of my scrotum! I'd rather brush my teeth with a dry turd! I'd rather wipe my ass with a dead skunk! I'd rather super glue my ass shut together! I'd rather drown in gasoline while jamming a fork into my dick hole! This is fucking cock-a-doodle bull shit! Xenmas' my ass and Ansem's my balls! This fucking sucks so much it fucks! This is-"

Nobody could take his ranting anymore. It was beyond knowledge to see how the newest hero in town had quickly sunk below to become a sheer nuisance. The Nerd just didn't know when to stop, and Mickey tried to think of the best solution to solve this matter.

And something hit him.

****

XXX

****

Three weeks later…

****

XXX

"Hey, Sora!"

"Yuffie!" Sora welcomed her into his house. Kairi and Riku were there to greet her also. "What brings you here?"

"Check out this old game I found in the store!" Yuffie displayed the cartridge in her hand, titled: 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde'. "Care to try it out?"

"Fine with me." Riku shrugged.

"Sure!" said Kairi. "We haven't played a good game for a long time. It's always great to try some classics."

"I'm sure glad King Mickey got rid of that Nerd. He was such a pushover!" Sora exclaimed, plugging in his old Nintendo Entertainment System. "I wonder what happened to him?"

As the screen flickered on and the game started, a series of pleas erupted from the TV. The Nerd appeared, dressed in the role as Dr. Jekyll himself.

"Oh, Christ Almighty! Spare me from this fucking horrible abomination of all mankind! Why do I have to be trapped in this cock sucking game? Turn off the goddamn console and smash this game to pieces! End this misery already! I'm begging you! PLEASE! STOP!"

The Nerd poked his walking stick at the enemies in the game, which of course, did nothing to help him. "Come on! Get the hell away from me, you cunts!" They ganged up, beating the living daylights out of him, until he regrettably transformed into the hideous Mr. Hyde. "Oh, shit! Don't tell me I'm gonna die!" And just when he made his first step, lightning struck him and the game automatically ended with a 'Game Over'.

"Um…what just happened?" Sora frowned.

"Looks fun to me!" Yuffie snagged the controller. "Let's all take turns! Nyuk! Nyuk!"

xxx

**__**

The End

xxx


End file.
